Let it go
Long-term grudges are bad for you...
It probably won't come as a surprise to hear that holding a long-term grudge is bad for you. Fred Luskin, a psychologist and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, and author of the Forgive for Good recovery workbook, says that holding a long-term grudge “amplifies helplessness. When you have a grudge against something, you’re saying, ‘I don’t really know how to cope with it, and all I can do is get pissed off and say nasty things.’ That teaches you a lack of efficacy and self-confidence – so grudges are a sign of weakness.”
In addition, long-held grudges have a physical impact. Luskin says, "Every time you think of the thing that upsets you, you have a stress response. You're filled with adrenaline and cortisol, and those are not good for you after a while, so a grudge is not in your best interest."
...but short-term anger is o.k
According to Robert Enright, professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a pioneer of forgiveness research, short-term anger is “probably a good thing because it shows: ‘I am a person of worth – people should treat me that way.’ ”
Your anger may be justified and if it does turn into a grudge, that probably comes with enjoyable feelings such as a sense of empowerment or self-protection. “But then there’s this tendency, if we’re not careful, for grudges to turn on us. Grudges are rather deceptive little things. Once they take hold in the heart, they become the unwelcome guest that doesn’t know how to leave.” They can transform into anxiety or blanket mistrust.
Luskin and Enright say:
It’s natural to have a grudge for a short time – a day or a week – “because sometimes your mind needs to mull over what to do about things,” says Luskin. It can last much longer, he points out, when “things are so painful it takes a while to process.” Finding out your partner is having an affair with your best friend, say, is not something you will get over in a week, “because it disrupts your whole life and somehow you have to figure out how to move on. A grudge needs to be time-limited. It’s just not helpful to keep it going for too long.”
Pack light
I leave you with the eternal wisdom of Erykah Badu from her song Bag Lady.
⚘