Man, heal thy wounds

I went to primary school with a cheeky lanky funny boy, and a petite generous and kind-hearted girl, who years later met again in university, fell in love and got married. They had two children and a seemingly happy, settled life until about three months ago when she left him. When we finally got to chatting about it, she told me that he had come home drunk one night and decided that he was going to beat her. They, like me, are both in their mid-thirties. It is a sad and devastating experience that she and her two children are still trying to come to grips with. It wasn’t the first time he had done this, she reports that he’d hit her before, about five years ago.

After observing my mother go through similar events and having lived with my father in my early life, I know just how damaging this reality can be. Even when there is no actual violence, a cloud of menace and fear looms in the home, the one place where all ought to feel safe and protected.

Alan Cumming, the Scottish actor known for his roles in Cabaret and The Good Wife, grew up with a violent father and he talks about his experience in his memoir Not My Father’s Son. He remembers it as “a time of constant darkness, silence and fear. Being around [my father] was like navigating a minefield. We could never relax. We were never safe.”

I have clear memories of watching television in the evenings, with my mum and brother, my ears pricked for the sounds of my father coming home,  whereupon I would scamper to bed at the first crunch of his approaching footsteps.

As women, we are taught to be vigilant about the stranger lurking in the shadows who can jump out of the bushes and rape you. And although this does happen, most women are likely to be abused by men they know intimately.¹ It saddens me that the young boys I played and interacted with, who seemed so innocuous and loveable when they were but fledgling lads, have grown into aggressive men who deeply wound the ones closest to them. Stories of women who are beaten and raped by men they know and love abound.

Domestic violence is so commonplace.² This is the very reason we should not see it as acceptable. Lives depend on it.³ It is natural to feel deep antipathy towards the violent actions and consequences that arise from domestic abuse, but demonising the perpetrators is not helpful. Clearly, it is in everyone’s interest that help is extended to the men who need it. Although domestic violence legislation is vital, by the time a family needs the intervention of the law, far too much damage has been done. Living with low-level every day menace and control is toxic and yet, is more difficult to identify, even among those it terrorizes.

If I could say one thing to that boy who was once my classmate, it would be: man, heal thy wounds. Figure it out, whatever ails you, because a failure to do so is too costly not only for you, your now estranged wife and children, but for society overall. Reach out for help.

If you are struggling or living with any of these issues, you are not alone.

⚘